life updates

another sleepless night

So I am having another sleepless night. none of the nights this week have been been sleepless. but it is only Monday. I’ve had sleepless nights before and they haven’t really been this bad. I’m not this person that is just having a hard time, but at the same time I am having a hard time. I’m not sure what to do. now it is only 10 pm on a Monday but usually I am falling asleep right now. I feel like i’m on an upward spiral and it’s getting out of control. i have been on antidepressants since last year around this time. I get the fact that I am bipolar and really should be on something like lithium, but my medications nurse/prescriber. nothing has been this bad since i was in high school. i couldn’t sleep on Friday that well either.

I’m not the kind of girl that will just get people to feel bad for her. although my fiance and his family do care for me and feel bad when i’m doing bad because they don’t really know how to help. i couldn’t get through the fact that i’m having another sleepless night. i’m not sure what i’m going to do. i’m no longer happy with how i am as a person. i feel like i may have DID because i do feel other alters/ personalities with in myself i’m not sure what to do. i’m going to go to my primary care provider tomorrow to get a recommendation to a psychiatrist and hopefully a new therapist. i don’t get why mine won’t really help me. I have been thinking this through since I made the appointment. yes i made it for tomorrow at 2 but they moved it up to 1:45 pm. i’m really struggling to get my head around the fact that I’ve been struggling to not cut, burn, snap a rubber band on my wrist or ankles because I’m feeling very much out of control.

I don’t know what to do you guys i really need some help tonight and would love it if you guys could give me some advice on how to get through the night into the morning and before my appointment tomorrow. thank you for taking the time to read this.

mental health podcasts

Psych central podcast on apple podcasts

talking about the past

Last week on the babbles of an unquiet mind

So last week Tuesday I had the honor of being interviewed by James Edgar Skye of the bipolar writer blog. I had such a great time during the interview that I really wanted to give you guys the gist of what we had talked about. You see I have had many diagnoses over the years. It started out with PTSD and major depressive disorder. Then it changed to PTSD, BPD, and schizoaffective bipolar type 2.

We had talked about what caused my symptoms to surface at young age. Not a lot of you know but I had been sexually assaulted at a young age. So things had gone down hill fast after those assaults. I hadn’t told anyone about this until I was 16.

If you would like to hear the episode and listen to other episodes of the bipolar writer podcast here is the link to the episode: I can tell you more about my past in later posts but right now that’s all I can handle posting. Thank you all for being here and listening to my babbles.


How are you handling the holiday season?

So I just wanted to know how you were handling the holiday season. I have been struggling to get into the Christmas spirit this year. There is nothing I love more than giving people presents and showing them how much I love them. This year has been a struggle to say the least. It’s not for a lack of trying either, because I have been trying since thanksgiving to get into the holiday spirit. I just so tired of of the Christmas songs yet as I’m writing this I’m listening to Christmas music.

I wanted to check in with all of you to see how you’re doing. I know that this can be a difficult time for a lot of people. You see I’m jut as awkward here as I am in real life. This has been a struggle to write because I feel like crying because I don’t really get to see my mom.


Christmas this year

So as many of you know I had been in jail for the first time in my life this year due to my mother in law. Well now she wants to give my fiancé and myself our Christmas stockings. My fiancé I know will say no but I don’t know what I want this year from her. I know I really don’t my stocking from her because she caused so much grief for us. I know for sure that I want an apology from her. Although she’ll never do that. Plus I have my Christmas present from my fiancé and I’m really happy with it.

He got me an iPad air 3. I’m so happy with it that I’ve downloaded a lot of aps to it just so I can have something to do when he’s gone. I just wish that this year would be different for good reasons not for the reasons that had happened. I understand that the pandemic has made things very hard for a lot of people. I have been lucky to have been working through this pandemic.

Although I have had to let go of a lot of my plans for the year because we had been locked down for so long. Nothing will be the same for the upcoming years. I have been getting really bad anxiety, because of this many, many other things. I really wanted things to be good.


Where is my Christmas Spirit?

Christmas is my favorite holiday, it always has been. I look forward to the holiday season all year long. It’s always the highlight of my year. But …

Where is my Christmas Spirit?
life updates

Life update 2

So things have been hard since I last posted. I have been dealing with a lot lately nothing really has been working out. I had been up for a promotion but didn’t get the position. Plus I have still been arguing with my boyfriend about a woman I don’t really like him talking to. I have made my feelings very well known but they’re ignored. I don’t feel like I have been heard. Not only is he saying I have nothing to worry about, she’s saying that, and so is his dad. Im not so thrilled about things lately.

He’s asked that I don’t talk to my mother anymore because she was asking for money but she asked him to buy her a microwave and he can’t even follow what he said to me. He thinks that I’m just being jealous. He is partially correct but the rest has do it the fact that he been talking to her for hours a day and when she threatened to talk to him and come over behind my back he didn’t stop talking to her to how that he’s with me on where I stand. So I’m really pissed about that and he doesn’t care. So last night I asked him to not talk to her after their phone call and he got mad at me for asking.

I guess what I’m trying to figure out is it how I’m going to make it clear to him that I done with him talking to her. He has chosen her over me. I know he will again and again. He hasn’t showed me otherwise. So what do I do? What can I do? Do I just let him walk all over me about her or do I take my final stand? Oh, some other information we had a three way with her or at least it was supposed to be and he really only screwed her. He didn’t even want to fuck me. He said I should’ve said something but I shouldn’t have to he should just do the three way the right. Which is to split the screwing between both of us. So I don’t know what to do. If you have any advice for me I will gladly take it.

life updates

Life update

I am a borderline patient. My state has been locked down for A month and a 1/2. I have been struggling with my anxiety which has been sky high. My fiance had to get checked for it and I was worried I’d lose home and be alone for a long time period I was also worried about his house he is doing better for sure since he got tested bomb worry that and any point and in time the I could lose him to anything in any 1. I am worried no matter what I do to help someone that I’m going to do some.

I’m top of a pandemic I don’t think that my mother in law’s house For standing up to her. She just want to have her boyfriend come over and see her house. She wanted to show off the fact that she had kicked out not only myself but for her son as well. Said I’m living in a trailer until a 20th of June when I can move into my head townhouse. She had also threatened to have my German shepherd put down because he became inconvenient to her. She believes as she doesn’t have to follow her own standards that she said that she wants everyone else up to. She keeps having people over during the lockdown. She believes she is above the law. She believes that she can just do and say whatever she wants however she wants. She pushed me past my tipping point.

She doesn’t think that she can do anything wrong and that she’s perfect to sum her up in one word it would be narcissist. I’m tight I’m so tired of heard that I don’t even want to see her son bashing face. She had to have her own daughter my into her before she came around to came to her senses of our have keeping your dog at her house. Her daughter then laid into her again once you threatened to have him put down.

She doesn’t care about anyone but herself in a fuse like people like her parents siblings nieces Nephews and current boyfriend. She seriously pisses me off for no real reason. The only reason why she tries is because she knows it does pisses me off.

bipolar disorder

how to make friends when your bipolar

how did you make friends since you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder? well that’s a hard one to answer since I’ve always been bipolar. when i was in school it was hard to make friends. this was due to to the fact that i tried too hard. i tried to fir into every clique i could get into. i tried the artistic types, the sporty and  athletic types, and the nerds. i didn’t fit into any of them well enough to be a part of them.

now i was a runner but i needed an inhaler every time. pus i wasn’t running to train for anything it was to lose weight. i was anorexic. this also made getting friends hard because the one i did make worried about my health. the ones i did make i mostly held on to. no i have a few close friends.

i really haven’t been making good choices when it comes to friends. one of the girls i befriended has stopped talking to me. the other one is just a dumb ass that complains about everything. there are some good ones in there but i don’t talk to them much.

i’m not sure if i’m making sense. my point is just be yourself.



So tonight I’m at work, right? Next thing I know I start feeling real funny. Well now I’m having a full blown anxiety attack. It’s not fun I’m getting a migraine and shaking and I cant get my meds yet because nothing is seeming to work and I’m the only cashier.

I’m not getting why I cant just be a normal person. Someone without a disability. Someone without anxiety through the fucking roof. No one quite gets what it’s like the have really bad anxiety.

I’m just struggling to hold myself together right now. I’m struggling to get through one day let alone one second. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through this one. I’m not sure if I can make it through with out going home.

There is nothing worse than feeling like you’re going to be sick out on public. I have been sick in public before and it wasn’t fun. I’m not sure what to do this time. I’m struggling anyone with any sort of advice please speak up. I really need it tonight.

bipolar disorder schizoaffective

What is one thing you don’t understand about your disorders?

One thing I dont understand about my disorders is how I can be a schizophrenic and bipolar 1 patient. I don’t understand how I can be at the mercy of negative aspects of schizophrenia and the negative aspects of bipolar one. So Cal just please explain to me how this is even possible. I already struggle with BPD. I never thought that I’d be the one to shrug off all of my family’s disorders.

I’ve been struggling with my moods a lot lately. Ive been in a real pissy mood and none of its healthy. I’m just not sure what to call it. I’m worried that my fiancè will leave me one of these days, because he cant take my abuse anymore.

The last time I struggled like this I slept all day everyday for 3 to 6 months. I couldn’t handle being alone. I couldn’t handle being awake. I always thought if it ever got that bad again that I’d just go back to sleeping all day. I’m not getting how I’m angry this round. I’m not even sure what to do with myself at this stage of the game.

There is absolutely not how I want to live my life. I cannot go on like this anymore. I cant get things done when I’m struggling like I am. I know that I usually sound self centered but I’m thinking about you my readers. If it weren’t for you guys I wouldn’t be here writing today.